13.9.15

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It's such a bittersweet feeling to hear the laughter from the kitchen while you are in the next room wishing you could cope with the fact you don't belong here. All you have is a suitcase half unpacked and the hope you could fit in. And just when you think you might reach it, your hands are too sweaty to hold on to it.
You know eventually you'll pack what's outside and go back to where you can keep up with the jokes. You can keep up with them but you don't laugh. The laughter in this kitchen sounds so sincere that you smile just from the sound. It's never been like this before, but there's not much you can do when both parties know there's no use in making efforts for somebody who has a suitcase in the middle of the living room for five months.
I love this man. That translates the sounds so I can join them. But I don't want to need this man, needing means something is part of you as a human being and I'm enough of a human being. He doesn't understand it. He says he's not one for making plans for the future, but I know he doesn't make them because there's no future. He sees it in that suitcase.
Life is about taking chances and if nothing stops you from going somewhere, you go and you see for yourself how it can be. You cannot say you failed. The whole point was just to see how it was going to be. You never hoped for drawers and wardrobes. They would be a plus, but barely crossed your mind when you packed that party dress that should be hang but has never even been used.
It might occur to you that not many parties have been thrown. And you were expecting fireworks all along. Loud music and drunk confessions but the closest you've been to your wishful thinking was when you had a loud argument and honest confessions about how you were expecting more love.
And at the moment it hits you, it's not about the laughter in the kitchen anymore. You could be a part of it if love was a part of the rest. You book your flight, you say goodbye and tomorrow you'll break down. Tomorrow they will laugh together again.

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